Brussels was the plan. You had friends around the corner, work you cared about and a life you liked. Then you meet someone from Paris. A few wonderful dates later, you're looking at flats in a city you never wanted to live in.
Or perhaps they have three cats and you're allergic. Somehow, “I can't spend an evening in your flat without sneezing” has turned into “Of course we could live together.”
If this sounds familiar, be kind to yourself. You can be excited about someone and still ask whether your lives fit.
A dating preference is something you'd enjoy but could be happy without. A dealbreaker means the relationship would not work for you, however strong the attraction. A personal checklist can help you tell the difference while leaving room for someone who surprises you.
1. Start with the life you want to share
Before you describe your ideal person, picture the life you'd like to share. How would you spend a free Sunday? What would you save for, and what would you want to keep doing on your own?
Maybe you don't need someone who joins every hike, as long as they're happy for you to go. Or maybe exploring the world together is one of the things you most want from a relationship. Either is a good place to start.
Think back to a time you said “Either is fine” when it wasn't. What did you really want? Put that on your list, even if the person you're dating would answer differently.
2. Write your own relationship checklist
Imagine Alex, a 34-year-old who lives in Brussels, loves backpacking, and doesn't want children. Alex is looking for adventure and a relationship they can count on.
Their list might look like this.
I want someone who…
- Does not smoke.
- Enjoys regular exercise and a long walk that occasionally turns into a small adventure.
- Would happily backpack for a month with a light bag and no luxury hotels.
- Would choose tapas in a laid-back neighbourhood bar over a formal Michelin-starred dinner.
- Is affectionate and enjoys physical touch and cuddling.
- Occasionally surprises me with a note in my bag or a plan they know I'd love.
- Enjoys chatting with strangers and making new people feel welcome.
- Has dark curls and a smile that makes me forget what I was saying.
- Does not want children.
- Wants a home without pets, just as I do.
- Wants to stay in Brussels for now, but likes the idea of a little village in the Spanish Pyrenees in ten years.
- Makes time for us and takes the initiative to see me, too.
- Respects my friendships, privacy and time alone.
- Can open up when something is wrong, rather than making digs or expecting me to guess.
Your list might include children, faith, dressing up for dinner or never sleeping in a hostel again. It should sound like you, not Alex.
Write freely for now. You don't have to decide yet which wishes matter most.
3. Decide which wishes really matter
Look at Alex's preference for tapas over fine dining. Is it about spending less, or feeling relaxed enough to laugh loudly and order another plate?
Someone who enjoys a Michelin-starred meal once a year might also love your favourite neighbourhood bar. The important question is whether there's room for the evenings you enjoy, without anyone making you feel cheap.
The same goes for wanting someone outgoing. A quieter person who makes your friends feel welcome might suit you just as well. And dark curls may catch your eye, but they aren't the only thing that can make someone attractive to you.
Go through your list and ask: Why does this matter to me? Could I be happy with something different?
Sort your answers into:
- Essential: Without this, the relationship would not work for me.
- Flexible: This matters, but there is more than one way to make it work.
- A preference: I'd like this, but I could be happy without it.
Keep some room for discovery. As Esther Perel and Mary Alice Miller explain in their discussion of relationship checklists, knowing what you want should not stop you from getting to know the person in front of you.
4. Separate what you know from what you hope
Back to Paris. You've had two wonderful weekends together, but they've told you they plan to stay there. Hoping they'll move to Brussels is not the same as knowing they're open to it.
You could ask: “I'm really enjoying this, and I want to keep seeing you. I also love my life in Brussels. Could you ever see yourself moving, or do you want to stay in Paris?”
Be honest about your own answer too. Perhaps a move now feels exciting. But if neither of you wants to leave, liking each other hasn't solved the problem.
The same is true of pets. If you don't want to live with animals and they can't imagine a home without theirs, living together may not suit either of you. That doesn't make anyone wrong.
You don't need to work through your whole list over dinner. Let the questions come up as you get to know each other:
- “What was your last holiday like?”
- “I'm saving for a long trip, so I keep nights out fairly cheap. Would that suit you?”
- “When you're seeing someone, what do you still like to do on your own?”
Share your answers and leave room for “I don't know yet.” Someone can enjoy hearing about your travels without wanting to spend a month backpacking.
5. Look at the relationship as it is
Shared interests matter, but so does everyday care. Notice whether you both make time for each other and can say no without being pushed. When something hurts, can you talk honestly about it? Taking a breather and coming back to a conversation is different from pretending everything is fine while resentment builds. You are looking for openness and care, not perfect behaviour every day.
You can take more time, find a compromise you both welcome or decide that something important doesn't fit. Think about how much you would be changing: moving to a new city might feel exciting, while giving up your work, nearby friends and the freedom to disagree is a very different prospect.
Changing your mind is not the same as ignoring your needs. “We don't share every hobby, but I love our life together” leaves room for both of you. “I stopped asking because they pull away whenever I do” deserves a closer look.
You don't have to find fault with someone to decide you're not a match. And someone can tick every box without being the person you want to be with.
If you'd like help thinking this through, explore dating coaching for expat men in Amsterdam.
Remember: don't fall in love with potential. Fall in love with the person they are now, not the person you imagine they could become.
People can grow, but your happiness shouldn't depend on them becoming someone else. Imagine the things that matter to you stayed exactly as they are today. Would you still choose this relationship?