You want to feel close again, but you worry that suggesting couples therapy will sound like “You’re the problem.” Start with what you miss, explain why you’d like support, and ask whether your partner would be open to exploring it together. Choose a calm moment and leave room for an answer, rather than asking for an immediate yes.
You might say: “I miss feeling close to you. We keep getting stuck when we talk about things that matter, and I’d like some help with that. Would you be open to finding out what couples counselling could look like for us?”
The aim is to begin an honest conversation. You don’t need to prove your case or find the perfect words to make someone agree.
If you feel unsafe: this guide is for conversations where you can disagree without threats, intimidation or violence. If you fear retaliation, seek confidential specialist support before raising joint counselling or disclosing a private request for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains the risks of joint counselling in abusive relationships. In Amsterdam, Veilig Thuis offers advice about domestic violence.
Start with something you want to be different
Before bringing it up, finish this sentence for yourself: “I’d like us to have help with…” Keep it close to something you actually experience together.
“I want us to be able to disagree without spending the rest of the evening apart” gives the conversation somewhere to go. “You need to learn how to communicate” starts with a judgment about the other person.
You don’t have to pretend you’re equally responsible for everything. You can name behaviour that hurts and still explain what you’re asking for. If it’s true, you might also acknowledge your own part: “When I feel unheard, I keep pushing the conversation. I’d like help finding a different way to handle that.”
Choose a time when neither of you is rushing out or trying to sleep. If an argument has just ended, you could ask to talk later: “There is something I’d like us to think about. Could we make time tomorrow evening?” Do not book a joint appointment and present it as a surprise.
Three conversations, three different concerns
The following conversations are imagined examples, not client stories. Borrow the words that sound like you. Then listen: the answer may be different from the one you hoped for.
“So you think this is all my fault?”
You: “I feel sad about how distant we’ve become. I’d like us to have some support with the conversations we keep getting stuck in.”
Your partner: “So you think this is all my fault?”
You: “I can hear that it sounded that way. I’m not looking for someone to declare a winner. I want space for both of us to explain what this has been like. What worries you about going?”
If the worry is being blamed, ask what they would need to know about how a counsellor works. You could both ask a prospective counsellor how they make room for each person's perspective. Let the counsellor explain their approach; don’t promise that every session will feel comfortable or that they will agree with either of you.
“We don’t have the time or money for this”
You: “I’d like us to look into counselling. I also know our weeks are full.”
Your partner: “When would we do it? And how much would it cost?”
You: “Those are real questions. Could we first look at the cost, available times and whether online sessions would suit us? We don’t have to commit to anything just to get that information.”
A practical concern deserves a practical answer. Work out what is affordable and realistic for both of you. Do not dismiss cost as an excuse or promise an unknown number of sessions. If uncertainty about the session itself is the main concern, our guide to how couples therapy works in Amsterdam gives you a starting point for that conversation.
“I don’t want counselling”
You: “I hear that you don’t want to go. Would you be willing to tell me what feels wrong about it?”
Your partner: “I don’t want to discuss our relationship with a stranger.”
You: “I understand that’s personal. Getting some support matters to me, and I’m not going to book something for both of us without your agreement. Would you be open to talking about another way we could address this?”
They may have concerns you can discuss, or they may still say no. Listening is not a technique for turning every refusal into agreement. You are allowed to say that the current situation is difficult for you and that you need something to change. Avoid making attendance a test of whether they love you.
What if your partner doesn’t want couples therapy?
You cannot agree to joint counselling on someone else's behalf. You can decide what support you want for yourself and what you’re willing to continue living with.
If you both want time to think, agree when to return to the conversation. If they don’t want to discuss it again, acknowledge that answer rather than repeatedly sending articles or booking links. Their choice doesn’t prevent you from seeking individual support to clarify your own feelings, needs and next steps.
Individual support is not a way to diagnose the absent person or prepare a case against them. It also cannot promise to change their mind or repair the relationship for both of you.
If you’ve already spoken to a counsellor alone
At Simply Happy Couples, you can seek individual relationship support before deciding whether to suggest counselling together. If you then invite the person you love to joint counselling, be open about having already contacted the counsellor and why.
For example: “I contacted Vincent on my own because I was struggling to work out what I needed. I wanted some support thinking it through. I’d like us to explore counselling together, and I want you to know about that contact before we decide.”
Say accurately whether you made an enquiry or had a session. You don’t have to share every private detail to be honest about the contact. Give the other person room to ask questions or prefer a different counsellor. Discuss with the professional whether working with both of you would be appropriate; a previous individual conversation doesn’t settle that decision.
This advice assumes it’s safe to talk openly. If disclosure could put you at risk, use the specialist support mentioned above to think through safety first.
Agree on one next step
A yes to finding out more is not automatically a yes to ongoing counselling. You might agree to read about an approach together, ask a counsellor your questions, or arrange an introductory conversation after discussing who will attend.
Keep the next step specific enough that you both understand it: what you’re agreeing to, what you still want to ask, and whether either of you needs more time.
If you’re considering support with Vincent, read about couples counselling in Amsterdam with Simply Happy Couples. It explains the non-clinical approach, English and German sessions, current fees and the free introduction, so you can decide whether to explore it further.